Seeking Wellness
Sara C.
Why wellness?
I have been self conscious about my weight since as long as I can remember. I have a vivid memory of having to do scoliosis testing in the 5th grade. I went in a room with the school nurse by myself and she had me step on the scale. That was the first time I let a number on a scale define me. I was 125 lbs. When I left the room, all of my friends were talking about their weight. I recall girls being appalled that they were almost 100 lbs. There I was well over that. I was humiliated and lied about my scale number.
Around that same time I was starting to outgrow the girls section. This was before the time of plus size girls clothing options. I remember my mom suggesting we try some shorts from the boys department one summer to see if those would fit. I told her absolutely not and went home and cried over my body that seemed to just continue to betray me. This is also when I developed a habit of letting food be my comfort. If something yummy was in front of me, I would eat and eat until I was stuffed. Emotional binge eating became a regular part of my life.
As I got a little older, I discovered dance and fell in love. It made me happy and I was actually pretty good at it. The exercise helped outweigh the binge eating a little but I was always one of the biggest girls on the stage and that fact was often on my mind. It’s hard to hide your weight when you spend all of your extra time in tights and a leotard.
In high school I began dancing in a really incredible training program at a dance studio that was very well known in my area. It felt good to be part of the elite. We had an evaluation meeting with the owners at the end of my first year and I vividly remember my male dance teacher telling me that my weight was holding me back. “I think you could take things so much further if you didn’t have extra….stuff….in the way” he said. Again, there I was crying and binge eating my feelings and not knowing how to handle any of it.
I eventually graduated high school, got married and started a new job as a preschool teacher while attending community college classes for Early Childhood Education. Being a 20 year old wife, balancing a big girl job, and college were hard. My new husband and I were dirt poor and I was stressed so cheap comfort foods became my refuge. I remember a couple of years into my marriage looking at a photo of myself and being disgusted. It was at that moment that something in my mind shifted and I decided to make a change. I began to count calories, run every day, and drink lots of water. I lost about 30 lbs doing that and it felt great.
Then I got pregnant. I was convinced that I would keep my new found lifestyle and would not let myself become so overweight ever again. Then the morning sickness and hormones proved me wrong. I had my baby and gained all my weight back. Taking care of a newborn takes its toll. I ended up with postpartum depression and my habit of binge eating returned. I tried my hardest to make organic healthy meals for my growing daughter while I ate whatever sounded good.
About three years later, my husband and I decided it was time for baby number 2. After a year of trying we decided it was time to see a fertility specialist. We were told that either I had a problem, my husband had a problem, or we both did. If both parties have fertility issues then the chances of being able to conceive, even with intervention, are almost impossible. After some tests we discovered we fell into that devastating category. We tried an IUI and failed. The process was so traumatizing for us both that we decided that adoption was our next step.
Fertility treatments and the devastation of knowing that I would never carry another baby took its toll on my body even more. Then, one day, I realized I had missed my period. I took a test and low and behold, there was our miracle. I was pregnant. Being pregnant was scary. I thought I would lose my baby at any time. I never really relaxed until we had her home from the hospital. At that point I was the heaviest I have ever been. I had two miracle babies, a new job that I loved, a new house that we were head over heels for, yet I was so miserable about how I looked and felt. I decided it was time to take back my health.
I started by just eating real food. I cut out the processed junk and packaged items with a million ingredients and didn’t count one calorie. I found a workout that I absolutely loved (Jazzercise) and went as often as I could. In four months I was down 50 lbs. I felt better than ever and finally found a lifestyle that I felt I could stick with. Because of my dance background, I picked up moves at jazzercise very quickly and was able to memorize routines in a snap. I was trained all through high school to pick up choreography quickly and it paid off. My studio owner approached me and asked if I would ever consider becoming an instructor. The thought of being someone that people looked up to in the health and fitness world just didn’t compute. I was down 50 pounds but I was still heavy. I certainly didn’t look like a fitness instructor so I told her I would think about it.
A couple of months later I was more in love with my workout than ever and the thought of becoming an instructor became more and more appealing to me. I decided that if I was going to become an instructor then I was going to have to step it up. I began counting carbs while eating whole foods and I lost 30 more lbs. I even started to see some muscle building. It was super encouraging. Then the world shut down. Covid 19 came out of nowhere and suddenly I found myself without a job (I am a gym teacher at a little private early childhood center so when we shut down, we couldn’t really do much from home), with two children to homeschool, and no gym to attend. I felt myself spiraling back into my old unhealthy habits. Luckily I didn’t let that last. I had worked too hard and had come too far. Instead, I started playing around with making my own healthy recipes and took the leap and applied to become an instructor. A few months later, in the middle of a global pandemic, I achieved my goal. The world opened back up and I had turned my passion into a career and it felt amazing.
Right after becoming an instructor I started having some very painful medical issues. I was diagnosed with endometriosis, interstitial cystitis, and vulvodynia. Again, my world came crashing down but now, armed with a new passion and a new mindset I am continuing to make healthy choices every day. For myself, my family, and the people that look up to me in both of my health related jobs.
So in my section of this blog we will tackle lots of things. Healthy eating, mindset, physical activity, infertility, and living with chronic pain. I am by no means an expert. I don’t have any quick fixes. I can’t tell you your macros or offer a magical shake that will solve all your problems. What I can offer is advice and tips to stop dieting and start living. So let’s get started!
