Sarah N. has talked in this post about our need for friends, and the biological way that our bodies long for them. I think this is evidence that our creator built and bent us for deep relationship. The kind of relationship that requires trust and honesty. I could tell you story after story of how my sweet friends picked me up, spoke truth to me, told me to suck it up and also told me not to. They’ve been the calm in so many storms for me, beacons of hope in a wave of despair. They have been an extension of Jesus’ love for me. When they wrapped their arms around me, they could have easily been his own. As believers, we are called to ‘be the hands and feet of Jesus’, and they have fit the bill time and time again.
Some of you may be reading this and think, “really?”. But, Renata, how do we even make friends at this point in our lives? “I am in my 30s, I run everywhere for these kids, have 16 loads of laundry to do, and dishes in the sink” … if you’re anything like me, that is – fun fact, Renata is not the neat one in the group – if you know me in real life, you aren’t shocked. Lord knows my Momma isn’t. But anyway, I have pondered, and think there are a few things we can do to meet friends and have meaningful relationships.
First of all, I think it’s wise to think back on our childhood years. Wasn’t it easier then? We went to church, daycare, or the park and there was always another kiddo there that was about the same age. in less than five minutes, we would be running around with our new friend, excitedly chattering about all we had in common. Is it possible to emulate that? I think it is.
I have a few tips for how I think we can make friends at this stage in our lives. Read on and find out!
BE OPEN
As I have told you before, I spent many of my formative years as a child of an active-duty military officer. We moved less than most in the service but still moved more than any I know here in Oklahoma. One of the things that served me well from that is my interpersonal skills. Moving and being forced out of my comfort zone required me to be very open to new people. How can we translate that into life with now? Be open, be aware if you are in your comfort zone, and practice getting out of it. This is now a huge stumbling block to me that I actively try to work at in my adult years. I have been in Oklahoma now for over 20 years, and I am comfortable. I am not always reminded that there may be someone sitting next to me that may be new to town and need a friend. We need to work hard to be open to new friends and new experiences.
TAKE A CHANCE
What did you do as that 5 year old? One of you walked up to the other and said “Hi, wanna play?” and off you went. At five years old, we didn’t fear rejection, perhaps because we hadn’t experienced it yet. Just like our 5 year old counterparts could, we can take chances. One of the best ways to do that is to frame your expectations in terms of ‘what’s the worst that could happen’? The worst thing that could happen is only the possibility of the answer “no”. The sky didn’t fall, life goes on, no big deal. Just ask. “But I’m scared, Renata!”. Do it scared, and make that your motto. Find the people you think you’ll connect to. If you’re at the park while your kids are there at the same time, find a momma that you can chat with. ‘Hey how’s your day going?” “Wow, the weather is gorgeous out”, ‘looks like our kiddos are getting along great, any chance we could meet up here again sometime so they can play?” and start there. Build relationship, now at least you’ve broken the ice. Then, do what feels natural and if you connect, do what you can to step out of your comfort zone and be honest. “Hey, I’d love to build my community around me, could we do dinner sometime? Would you like to bring the kids over for dinner?’ I think phrases like that mean letting go of the fear of rejection and being open to what could happen. The worst they could say is “no” and once we get to the point that that is no big deal to us, we can put ourselves out there then move on for the betterment of ourselves.
BE HONEST AND TRANSPARENT
I think one of the keys to actual connection is vulnerability. Once weve gotten past the initial meeting and coffee or few visits, we have to start being vulnerable if we have decided they are safe people. If they aren’t, move on. You see, if you know someone, but know nothing about them – you have an acquaintance – not a friend. We have to let the walls down. Yes, you’ve been hurt before, and you have a fear of rejection. We all have, and we all do. But, you will never truly connect with a person until you are willing to be a full person, flaws and all. Of course, be appropriately vulnerable. Dumping every ounce of your story on someone in the first visit will feel overwhelming to your potential new friend at best, and at worst – they may feel you are navigating a deep emotional journey of the crisis type that you would be better off seeing a therapist for. We’ve all been there right? The oversharer? Liike on day one you know about all of Susie’s exes, and the trauma she walked through as a child. You know she doesn’t eat pickles because they remind her of her grandpa who passed 12 years ago and used to eat one every day. You find yourself with your head spinning and wondering how you got here. Just be appropriately vulnerable. There will be natural moments in conversation that would be perfect opportunity to share your story…..just not all at once. That said, honesty and transparency will build a relationship faster than anything. Share your worries or fears, ask for prayer, or invite them out to coffee, then pray for the Lord to bless it. He will.
