Parenting Tips and Tricks
By: Heather
Sometimes we just need a hard reset on our parenting. It’s never too late to reset and try something new. As a therapist, I often have people who come to me who are struggling with getting their kids to comply and follow rules. It doesn’t matter the age of the child. The list below will often times improve the issues people are struggling with regarding compliance and parenting children. Even if you’ve heard these tips before they are always good to review and if you are not implementing them…start now. Hopefully, these tips will help you with making parenting more fun.
Before I start, I wanted to touch on the importance of your relationship with your child. It doesn’t matter how many tips or tricks I give you about parenting, if your relationship with them is not good. Make sure you are carving out time to spend with your children. Make sure you are connecting to them, listening to them and asking questions. Play, have fun, go on adventures…because CONNECTION should ALWAYS come BEFORE CORRECTION.
Now for the parenting tips…
Reward systems
Reward systems can make parenting fun. If you always feel like you are getting onto your children or having to discipline them constantly, try implementing a reward system surrounding specific behaviors and see if it helps. For example, if you are tired of your child whining or talking back you would implement a reward system and tell the child that every time you catch them not talking back or whining you will give them a reward.
Pictured below is my favorite reward system because it does not consist of a lot of thinking. You don’t have to have an endless supply of stickers on hand or reprint charts. It’s easy and sustainable. You just need a plastic punch cup, stickers and colorful pom poms. You will have your child decorate the cup with stickers and write their name on it. Tell your child that you want them to learn self control and that every time you see them control themselves and not whine or talk back you are going to reward them by dropping a pom pom into the cup. When the cup is filled they get a reward. Then you dump the cup out and start over again. Easy Peasy.
Come up with some rewards they would like to earn once they fill their cup. It can be a trip to the park, picking what you eat for dinner, a new toy, money, playing a game with a parent uninterrupted for 20 minutes or anything else that motivates your child. The key is for them to be bought in and invested.
***if you do not like this reward system just search Pinterest for reward systems and you will be overwhelmed with the results. You can get as fancy as you like. ***
Choices
Give choices whenever possible. I know this sounds like common sense but you would be surprised how many parents will dig their heels in or lay down an ultimatum when they don’t have to. Choices help the child learn they have some control in their lives. It teaches them to make decisions and choices help to lower defiance levels.
For example: You are at the park with your child and it’s time to leave. You say, “Sally, it’s time to leave the park”. Sally says, “No” and takes off running. The parent chases Sally and yells ”if you don’t go to the car you are going to bed early tonight”. Sally keeps running. Want to know why? Because bedtime is very far away and Sally does not care about bedtime right now. Sally wants to play at the park. Example of giving choices: “Sally, It’s time to leave the park. Would you like to walk to the car or race me to the car?” Now, you’ve given choices and one is to continue playing and building connections with your child. So, it automatically sounds more fun. If you can’t run say, “Sally, it’s time to leave the park. Would you like to walk to the car or would you like to walk holding my hand and playing the “I spy” game?” See how choices already make parenting more fun and make the child want to corporate. The goal is the same…getting to the car but now you are not yelling and your child feels more connected and empowered.
I know what you are saying, “What about my teenager? How do choices work with her or him?” Thank you for asking. It works the same. My son is 13 years old. Sometimes its difficult to get him out of the house. So, I will say, “Hey son, it’s time to leave. When we get to the car would you like to pick the music we play in the car or bring your earbuds and pick your own music while we drive?” Or “Hey son, it’s time to leave, would you like to sit in the front or in the back?” Choices deescalate situations and help people feel like they have some control.
If your child choses to not take either of your options you simply state, “That was not one of the choices, please try again.” If they want to continue to fight you on it then you can move to consequences. Not all kids will pick a choice and some will continue to be defiant but they will learn quickly that choices are better than consequences.
Natural Consequences
Whenever possible… AND when it is safe to do so… allow natural consequences to be your child’s consequences and don’t add more on top of that. For example, if your child is dragging his feet in the morning and is going to make himself late for football. Don’t yell and nag, just allow him to be late and let his coaches make him run sprints. He will learn quickly that being on time is important. Natural consequences can be some of the best teachers. Remember, if letting a natural consequence happen will endanger your child, then you should not allow it to happen. For example, you’ve told your child over and over again not to touch the stove and then they reach up again to touch it, don’t just let them get burned. When safety is at risk always step in and take other measures to teach your child.
Find what motivates them
Often times I find that parents do not truly know what motivates their child OR they are too scared to take away the thing that motivates them the most. I encourage you to watch, study and listen to your children. They will tell you what motivates them. That is the thing you need to take away if you find other methods are not working and you need to move to discipline. Whatever your child spends the majority of their time doing and investing in will most likely be what motivates them.
Small children are usually motivated by toys, desserts, play time and outings. Older kids are usually motivated by technology and friends. Find what motivates them and reward them with that OR take it away as a consequence.
Recently, I’ve found several parents who are scared to take away their child’s phone. This can be for many reasons but the fear of how their child will react is mostly the cause. Listen to me, start young, take their phone away often so that it’s not a surprise when you do it as they age. Even if they get very upset, it’s ok. They will be ok. Make sure you let them know how they can earn it back and give them a time table of when that might be happening. This helps the feel more in control and have something to work towards.
Listen
Many times, I find that when a child is acting out, parents are NOT really listening to them. Maybe they are having trouble at school with friends or classwork or their anxiety is high or they are worried. Find the need that is not being met behind the behavior and meet it and automatically the behavior will get better. Put your phone away and look your kiddo in the eye and have a conversation where your only goal is to listen and have your child feel heard. This can solve so many problems.
Take a timeout
Sometimes parents need to take a timeout. If you find yourself dealing with a child who has pushed every one of your buttons and you feel out of control, take a timeout. Go to your room and lock the door and do some deep breathing. Go for a drive or go for a walk. Tell your child you are to upset to deal with the issue but you will be back in 20 minutes and at that time you can resolve whatever is going on. Taking a time out will model for your children that it’s ok to take a break and step away when things get heated.
Make sure your expectations are developmentally appropriate
Expectations…I could talk all day on this one. Most of the time when we find ourselves frustrated in any relationship, it is because we have unmet expectations. When you find yourself frustrated in a relationship, check in and see if your expectations are appropriate and realistic. The best way to do this is read books on parenting and development and surround yourself with friends and a support system that you can check in with you to see if your expectations are appropriate and realistic. The cool thing about expectations is they can be changed. You have the ability to assess your expectations and deem them unrealistic or inappropriate for your child’s age and change them. Doing this will automatically lower stress and make parenting more manageable.
Tap someone else in
It’s important to know when you’ve reached your limit. If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed and at a loss as to what to do, tap someone else in. It’s ok to say, “I need help.” Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs there is. It takes many people to raise a child so don’t try to do it alone. Ask for help when you need it.
