A Guide to Fair Fighting In Relationships
By: Heather
Lets all say it together…”Fighting in relationships is normal”. Let me repeat that. Fighting in relationships is normal and should not be avoided. However, as with anything in life you need to have some rules and boundaries before you begin.
So, ask yourself, how do I handle conflict? Do I face it head on, avoid it, shut down or hit below the belt? Believe it or not, conflict and disagreements are a healthy part of any relationship. Whether you are fighting with a friend, partner, parent or child; conflict helps us grow and pushes us out of our comfort zone. However, you must know what you are fighting for and make sure it’s worth it.
The Goal of any conflict should be to find a resolution or a compromise. If you are fighting for any other reason, then you are only causing harm to yourself or someone you love.
If you can incorporate some or all of the following “Do’s” you will have a much healthier “fight life”. Not only will you be healthier, you will most likely see an improvement your relationships as well. The following are healthy things to do when you find yourself smack dab in the middle of an argument.
DO:
Listen more than you speak
This seems like a no brainer, right? However, if we are honest with ourselves, we say more than we should when we are in the midst of a fight. Also, to top that off, if we are not speaking, we are usually formulating our next point WHILE the other person is talking. Be honest with yourself. Are you guilty of this? Listening is so important during conflict. Learning where the other person is coming from and examining their side of things can not only help you grow but improve your relationship. Making the other person feel heard will validate their feelings and lower defensiveness. It will also model healthy behaviors so that when it’s your turn to talk the other person might just listen. You have two ears and one mouth so use yours ears twice as much as your mouth. “Be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” (James 1:19)
Pick your battles
Not everything is worth a fight. Prioritize the issues based on importance and let go of some of the small stuff. For example, maybe your spouse or roommate loads the dishwasher differently than you would and this bothers you. Take a step back and evaluate whether or not the dishes are still getting clean. If they are, then let it go. Make sure that what you decide is necessary to talk about is actual important for the growth of your relationship. However, if your spouse or roommate is spending all their money on meaningless things and the utilities are about to be shut off then you would need to address this. This would be a pretty big priority. Learning to be flexible and letting things go is important so that people really listen when you have a grievance.
Compromise
Compromise is great because everyone gets a little of what they want. Everyone walks away a winner. When you are discussing an issue, take what the other person wants and what you want and evaluate it. Search for a way you can BOTH get something you want. This takes good listening, flexibility and respect for each other to accomplish.
Take Responsibility
If you are in the wrong, take ownership of that. Be responsible for your own words, actions and behaviors. Avoid lying or distracting behaviors. Own your own mistakes and apologize if needed. Taking responsibility helps the other person feel valued and decreases defensiveness.
Do it in person
Avoid fighting over the phone, through text, snail mail or carrier pigeon. Conflict is best done in person because you can listen not only to their words but watch the other person’s body language as well. Fights done through text message can be re-read over and over again and taken out of context. If a conflict breaks out while you are on the phone or through text you can politely ask to table the discussion until you can meet in person to hear each other out. This sets the tone for the disagreement and gives each person time to calm down and gather their thoughts.
Stay on topic
Nothing worse than starting a fight over a parenting issues and then by the time the fight if over you are yelling at each other for things you did in high school and middle school. Try to stay on topic and only deal with one issue at a time. Getting off track will only lead to frustration and a lack of resolution and compromise. If you are discussing a parenting issue and another issue arises, write that issue down and come back to it at another agreed upon time.
Take a break if needed to cool down
Many people need a break during an argument. If you do not allow yourself the ability to take a break, people can fall into using unhealthy fighting tactics. If you find yourself in an argument and you need to step away for a breather, tell the other person and agree upon a time to resume your discussion. For example, you could say, “I am feeling overwhelmed and need a few minutes to clear my head. I’m going to go for a walk around the block and when I get back in 10 minutes, we can continue to talk about this.” What this does is it gives you a break to gather your thoughts but it also makes the other person feel safe because they know where you are going and when you will be back. Walking out in the middle of a fight without telling the other person when you will be back and why you are leaving can lead to fear and insecurities in the relationship.
Be Kind
Treat others how you want to be treated and always BE KIND. Enough said!
The following are unhealthy styles of fighting that many people use. Test yourself…do you use all of them, some of them? No one is perfect, we can always strive to be better.
DON’T:
Don’t avoid
Most people do not enjoy conflict and will avoid it at all costs. However, now that you know conflict is helpful to promote change and encourage healthy communication you should invite conflict that is meaningful. If conflict is avoided it can cause the other person to feel invalidated and unheard. Avoiding is really only postponing and eventually it will come up. It’s better to face it and not allow it to build up and become something bigger.
Don’t blame
Strive to take responsibility for your own actions and avoid blaming the other person for everything. Try to use “I statements” and avoid “You statements”. “I statements” are short statements where a person expresses how they feel by using the word “I”. “I statements” help keep people from getting defensive and help keep communication going. An example of an “I statement” would be, “I feel overwhelmed and let down when I come home after a long day of work to a sink full of dishes.” In this scenario and example of a “You statement” would be, “You never do the dishes!”. “You statements” often put people on guard and make them defensive.
Don’t shut down
When confronted some people will put their guard up and shut down and refuse to talk about the issue. Shutting down does not accomplish anything and makes the other person feel angry and annoyed. Shutting down is a lot like avoiding in that it can cause a person to hold things inside and eventually cause a volcano of emotions. Try to remain open and willing to discuss issues as they come up and find a resolution.
Don’t yell or name call
If our end result is to come to a compromise or a resolution, name calling or yelling will slow down that process and leave people with hurt feelings. Putting another person down during a fight is a very dirty way to fight. It leaves the other person feeling bad about themselves and can lower their self-esteem. Remember you are fighting with a person you love and name calling will continue to hurt them after the fight is over. Stay calm and avoid raising your voice and using name calling to get your point across.
Don’t play the victim
Just because you are having an argument don’t assume it’s about you (victim mentality). Just because you are having an argument it does not mean you are loved any less. Those who play the victim often turn things around to make the other person feel sorry for them. This results in one person getting their needs met and the other person feeling bad all the time. This leads to resentment and anger. During a conflict everyone should own up to their own part and find a way to move forward.
Don’t bring up past problems
Stay on topic and only fight about one thing at a time. It’s unfair to be having a conflict about something that is going on currently and then bring up something that happened 10 years ago. Stay on task and use self-control. Fights will be shorter and less intense if everyone can stay on topic and only fight about one thing at a time.
Don’t hit below the belt
No low blows! Saying things that will intentionally hurt others is unfair and damaging. In the heat of the moment, it’s so easy to resort to aggressive accusatory comments, name calling, or swearing. Refrain from spouting contemptuous or sarcastic remarks that belittle or shame your partner. Deliberately upsetting statements about failings in their personality or their weight or their habits are unacceptable. By resorting to these low tactics, all you’ll achieve is to add fuel to the fire. Any kind of contemptuous behavior makes meaningful discussion impossible. Its only effect is likely to be anger, making the chances of resolution difficult.
Don’t button push
When we are fighting with someone we love we always know what their “buttons” are. Be careful to avoid pushing someone else’s buttons during a fight. This is unfair and will only lead to hurt feelings and longer conflicts. Buttons might be past mistakes, weight issues, friends, family or past parenting mistakes. Remember to respect the other person and avoid hurt feelings.
Remember, the goal of fighting is to come to a resolution or a compromise! Now, go fight fairly and teach others to do the same!
