Finding Beauty in Differences
What are some passionate loves in your life? Mine include the Lord, my husband, children, beauty, community, naps, and politics. I do. I truly, sincerely love them. Does that have you rolling your eyes and knowing that you won’t enjoy this post? Read on, friend, I have something for you – I promise. And I also promise that this post won’t include anything divisive, hateful, or fear stirring.
As you all know by now, I am a military brat. I grew up on base and was raised with a strong respect for this country, what it took to form our union, and what it has taken to uphold it. My father’s undergrad degree was in Political Science, so I suppose I come by it naturally. I can remember my Dad often asking us how we felt about certain current events – Desert Storm, the middle east, some domestic issues – and if we said we didn’t have an opinion, he would implore us to read the paper and educate ourselves. We had little mini current events quizzes at the dinner table where my dad would always tell us ‘You don’t have to have my opinion, but you have to have an opinion’. I think I perhaps got this treatment a little more than my brother and sister since I was more naturally laid back and more inclined to say I didn’t care or that I didn’t know. I love that he was trying to teach me to think critically, and to think about things rather than just take them in. My Dad made a lot of mistakes (we all do)– but this time, I think he got it right on.
I have a really important question for you. How was your 2020? That good, huh? 2020 pushed us all to new limits, and new depths. We learned more about ourselves and (often) others in a year than we ever would have separate from the pandemic. Pile on to that mess a year with a contentious election, and you have a recipe for serious division. One of the saddest things for me to witness over the year was families ripped apart by differences in handling the pandemic, also ripped apart by red and blue boxes.
Why was division so easy in 2020? Because hot button issues ceased being things like infrastructure deals and foreign spending or policy and became human rights issues. Issues that are very, very easy to believe you are right and the other side is 100 percent wrong about, no matter what – because they are so personal. It could be easy to give in to the belief that if someone doesn’t come to the same conclusion that you do on one of them, that they must be a miserable, horrible, uncompassionate, terrible person. When we are talking about border control, abortion, and human rights issues – of course it can become polarizing.
So, what do we do when we feel the division creeping in? I would challenge you to do absolutely the opposite of everything you might have been taught or think you should. Certainly, the opposite of everything people tell you to do. When I was in beauty school, I was taught not to talk behind the chair about politics, sex, or religion. I think that’s a good rule of thumb for the most part, but I will say there are 2 of those I talk about more than I thought I would in beauty school. One of those – I’ll let you guess which – is still mostly avoided in my professional life. What I will say is that when I feel something start to slip for me in a relationship because of something someone says about a certain idea – politics or religion – I don’t take it as an invitation to shut down all relationship and willingly allow the relationship with the person I loved to fade away, to quietly take my place as the friend with no deeply held beliefs or views. What kind of sense does that make? Of course, I have opinions and views on certain things, and I will gently share them. I think relationship demands discussion when something like that happens, otherwise how much did I actually value that person in the first place if I am willing to allow a relationship to die without another word? If I didn’t think you were an idiot prior to 2020, I still don’t, no matter where you have fallen on issues I agree or disagree with – because you have value separate from ideals, and certainly separate from policies. Instead, I take it as an invitation to ask more questions, to understand my friend better, to understand their ideas better, and I would challenge – to love my friend better.
Politically, we run the gamut in my family. On one side of my family, I am held out as the most right-wing conservative in the group. On the other side of my family, I stand out as one of the most liberal. I take it as good evidence that I’m in fact a true moderate, but you decide for yourself and choose to love me anyway, mmmkay? With that said, I have one precious family member that I could not be more opposite from in our views on most fronts. So, this year, we have been talking quite a bit. More and more I will ask for clarification and she will do the same for me. Something like, “I heard you say this, and it made me wonder this.” Or “You believe this, and I wonder if you have ever thought about this” or just simply “help me understand your thought process here”. Can I tell you what I am struck by more and more in those conversations? It’s not how far apart we are. It’s not that we have drastically opposing viewpoints – it’s that we are actually closer together than we think. It strikes me as super interesting that she and I can have completely opposite views of what policy should be in effect but when you dig deeper, we have the same, or very similar goals. Let me bring up a super polarizing example: abortion. She and I would both have the exact same goal: fewer abortions. We agree on that wholeheartedly. She and I just have very different viewpoints on how to get to that place. The same could be said for border control or other human rights issues – she and I will always have the same goal but differing ideas as to how to get there. I would offer that the same is true for most Americans – we are far closer together than we think we are, and quite frankly – there are giant media conglomerates profiting off selling us the idea that we are more divided than we really are.
So, what am I saying? We need to talk more. Have conversations, ask questions. Define the words you are throwing around, because when we are coming from differing places and differing perspectives, something may mean one thing to you and something else entirely to another. Try hard not to simply repeat what you’ve read, been told, or watched. Think critically.
But, what about the person I simply CAN’T talk about this with, Renata? Then don’t. Choose to speak with people who you believe have salvageable relationships. Don’t engage in toxic conversations. That said, we will never overcome the spirit of division in this country if we don’t seek to understand each other. We need voracious debate. Passionate, driven ideas are integral to this landscape. Be bold, speak what you believe – in love – and respectfully listen to others.
Don’t allow yourself to stand in an echo chamber where the only ones with value and weight are saying the same thing you are – beautiful compromise comes when we understand each other better. Even if you never budge, and you may not – you still acknowledge value in the person you are speaking to. It will replace the belief that someone with their thinking is the enemy and is rather just a person who comes to another conclusion than you did. They are still welcome at your table, on your sofa, and in your heart. We will refuse to be old, grey men who dig their feet in and stick their fingers in their ears – instead we will acknowledge our differences, celebrate what we can, and find middle ground. We will find beauty in our differences. We need a middle ground in this country desperately, and I just bet we can find it if we look for it.
