Does the title of this post make you uncomfortable? Maybe you passed it by a few times and then circled back out of curiosity. Welcome! I’m so glad you’re here. When I initially pose this question to myself, my mind immediately jumps back to my freshman year of high school when I was in a new state and of course a brand new school crying and eating my lunch in the bathroom because my answer at that time was 0. Ouch. Almost 20 years later and I can still be taken back to that moment in an instant. Where does your mind go when asked how many friends you have? Do you have an immediate answer or are you triggered like I was? I have a solid friend group and am a fairly well adjusted adult with a blog ON friendship and I struggled for a hot minute with it so don’t feel bad if you did too.
As children we are surrounded by constant community in school. There’s always a social ladder to climb, people to meet, and the more friends you have the better (at least that’s true for me. Shout out to my enneagram 3 sisters!). What happens when we move into adulthood? Does the amount of friends you have say something about who you are as a person? If your number is low, are you somehow less? I’m here to tell you, that is simply not true. We live in a society that functions on “likes” and “follows” and it’s hard not to let that mindset follow you into your everyday life.
What about when things get real? You’ve had an emergency and you need to call on a friend to come watch your kids? Who do you call? It’s likely not your social media followers. I’m a HUGE fan of true crime podcasts, including “My Favorite Murder.” So much so that my husband bought me the book Stay Sexy and Don’t Get Murdered written by the two cohosts for Christmas this year. The book is a collection of essays on the lives and experiences of the hosts. I’m going to share an excerpt written by Karen Killgariff about this very topic.
“Then one day, I noticed a pattern. Every time something bad happened at work, I’d rant to a co-worker about whose fault it was. I’d go on and on about how much I hated the guilty party and then I’d feel awful. The guilt would eat me up. Soon, I’d hate the person I’d just confided in. And the next day, the monologue would start over again. Only the names would change. When it hit me that I was doing this, I knew I was in serious trouble. Luckily, I found my therapist soon after and told her about my realization. That’s when she dropped the bomb about having too many friends. If you have a problem, don’t just confide in whoever walks into your office. Save it for a person who cares about your wellbeing. We all have a handful of friends like that. Figure out who your clutch-five friends are and drop your expectations for everyone else.”
Who are your clutch 5? Don’t worry, it doesn’t HAVE to be 5. I’d say more than 5 is going to get tricky to manage, so 5 or less people that you call your true friends? If you are staring wide-eyed at your screen right now not knowing the answer, hopefully I can provide some insight to help you narrow it down.
Characteristics of a “clutch 5 friend”:
- Someone you trust
- Someone you can confide in
- Someone that you can be open and vulnerable around
- Someone that lifts you up
- Someone that isn’t afraid to gently redirect you when maybe you aren’t making the best choices
- Someone that has your back
- Someone that supports you
- Someone that keeps regular contact with you (and vice versa)
- Someone that can show up at your house in her pjs with no bra on and be welcome (that one’s important)
- Someone that you will let into your house when you have dirty dishes in the sink and laundry on the couch
I could go on, but you get the picture. We all need our people. These are non-family members that feel like family. You know the old saying “You can’t pick your family, but you can pick your friends.” It’s so true. Choose your inner circle wisely. If you’re reading this and thinking that you don’t have anyone that fits this category, I encourage you to read this post. If you’re thinking, you don’t need anyone but your family, I encourage you to take a peek here.
We were created for community! Close friendship is something that no one should miss out on. Don’t let it slip through your fingers by letting the day to day burdens of life get in the way. The great thing about friendship is that you have a group of people to help share and guide you through those burdens. You don’t have to go it alone. The number of followers or “friends” displayed on social media is not a sign of your success or your worth. Buckle down and focus on that clutch 5. I promise it’s worth it.
