When someone is struggling with fertility, they are going through a constant battle of emotion. Grief, sadness, frustration, hope, despair. It’s a kind of suffering that no one really understands unless they’ve been through it. Infertility is a deeply ingrained part of my life that I will never fully be healed from this side of heaven.
I know what you’re thinking….that sounds like a lot. Unfortunately you are right. So, how do you sustain a friendship with someone going through such a traumatic experience? Below, I’m going to offer some suggestions. These things are by no means an exhaustive or perfect list. But I hope that they can be helpful to you.
DO:
Invite us! Please invite us to baby showers, kids birthday parties, and gender reveals. Yes we are hurting, but we don’t want to miss out on celebrating your joy. With that being said, please understand that if we leave early or become emotional, it is not anything you did. Trauma triggers are abundant with infertility and they can hit like a ton of bricks. Sometimes we have to step away and deal with that.
Pray for us. This is one of the most important things you can do for a friend struggling with fertility. Pray for us and let us know you are praying. Better yet, pray with us! The day I was diagnosed, the Scissortail Squad circled around me and prayed. I will always remember that moment.
Be quick to listen and slow to speak. Sometimes we just need to unload. Having someone there, looking us in the eye and compassionately listening without judgement will make such a difference.
Be patient. Unfortunately infertility is sometimes a very long journey. People wait years and years for their miracle and it never gets easier. Please don’t give up on us.
Help her feel special. This doesn’t have to be anything major. Hop on her amazon wishlist and send her a little something. Bake her her favorite cookies. Send her a little handwritten note. When you are in a dark place, a little spot of brightness can go a long way.
Help carry the burden. Sometimes life can be incredibly overwhelming in the midst of infertility. Bringing a meal, offering to run to the store, or helping to fold the laundry can be a big help. She may say no, but it never hurts to offer.
DO NOT:
Give advice. Just back away from that one. Please. Unless you are our doctor or we ask for it, just don’t. It’s amazing how many people like to suggest old wive’s tales, things that worked for them (when they don’t have fertility struggles), or the old phrase: “just relax and it will happen!” These things are infuriating to someone dealing with infertility. A lot of times people like to be fixers. They don’t like seeing their friend in pain and want to make it better. The sad reality of infertility is sometimes you just have to sit in it. It can’t be fixed by you.
Make insensitive comments. Remarking on how “your husband just looks at you and you get pregnant”, “are you sure you know how it works?”, or “want one of mine? They’re driving me crazy!” are NOT funny to someone struggling with fertility.
Surprise us. To someone struggling with infertility, pregnancy is a trauma trigger. Now, as I stated above, we want to be included but please let us know in advance so we have time to process.
Be offended if we cancel on you. Infertility is a day to day, sometimes minute to minute struggle. There are some days when it’s just too much and we need to take some time to ourselves.
Recommend adoption. We know it’s an option. We have a deep desire within us to carry a child. We will exhaust our options to get there. Adoption is also not a black and white option. There is no guarantee after you’ve met the birth mother and a lot of times even the child that the adoption will be finalized. That may be more than we are able to handle.
Treat her like she’s broken. No need to shield her or try to hide things from her. Like I said above, include her, but give her extra time to process.
I hope you find these lists helpful. The fact that you are reading this at all means you are an incredible friend. Like I said, my list isn’t perfect. When in doubt, ask her what she needs. Thank you for loving her. Keep it up.
