How to heal from betrayal
By: Heather
As I sit down to write this blog on betrayal, I know that this will be a vulnerable piece for me. I have experienced betrayal several times in my life and it has caused me heartache and grief beyond what I could have ever imagined. I will admit that I am writing this blog as a healing piece, as well as to hopefully help others who have walked the same path. I am not fully healed from the betrayals that I have experienced and I need you to know I’m a work in progress. I still have days that I doubt myself, cry, scream and sit brokenhearted over the hurt.
Something you need to know about me is that I am an enneagram 8 which means my core fears are abandonment and betrayal. If you know nothing about enneagram numbers, click here and read about it and find your number. My personality type will avoid people that I think will hurt me. Which means that when I find safe people, I love them HARD. I am fiercely loyal, and I want to connect with others on a deep level. If I let you into my inner circle then that means, “you’ve earned it.” I don’t give that level of connection away for free.
I fight hard for relationships that are meaningful. I will walk alongside you, through the fire, and make sure you don’t come out burned on the other side. I will sacrifice my time, energy and passions to help you and meet your needs. However, if a person betrays me or abandons me, the other side of my personality comes out.
Once I am burned it is very difficult for anyone to come back form that. I often will move on and set rigid boundaries in order to protect myself and those I love. I will not be unkind, but I will avoid you and make sure our lives do not intersect often. I will also take it extremely personal and agonize over it. The hurt runs deep and the pain hurts for years, if not my whole lifetime. (I’ll keep you posted haha)
Anyone else like this? I have been betrayed several times in my life but 3 stand out the most to me. They were all close friends of mine. These women were my people. I spent many days with them, sharing my heart and my struggles. I knew their stories, their strengths, their weaknesses and then one day they turned their backs on me. Each for different reasons but not because of something I did (often I have to remind myself of this truth). Each betrayed me a little differently than the next. One decided to try to ruin my career in the hopes of taking over my position. Another decided to spread lies about me and another attacked me by using my triggers against me.
I feel like these 3 alone qualify me to be able to write a blog about betrayal and how I have worked on healing. I would not say that I’m completely healed but I’m no longer bleeding. The scabs have formed, and some have even scarred. If you have ever been betrayed, you know what I am talking about. I do not think a person can completely guard themselves from betrayal so let just talk about how you can start the healing process when someone has betrayed you. Remember: You cannot change someone else; you can only work on yourself. You are in charge of your thoughts, feelings and actions ONLY. There is power in that statement. Take full control of your healing and try to not build your walls too high.
- Remember who you are:
Betrayal will rock you at your core. You will second guess yourself and often will look for reasons it was your fault. Your self-confidence will lower, and you will be afraid moving forward in relationships. Often a person will isolate and find themselves depressed. It is important at these times to remember who you are. Remember how you reached this point in your life and those who helped you get there. Remember, you have a purpose and goals moving forward and no one else is in charge of your happiness. Remember that even Jesus was betrayed by one of his close followers. He understands the hurt that comes with being betrayed so pray and ask for the strength you will need to move forward.
- Surround yourself with others who will build you up
Just because one friend walks aways does not mean you are alone. Look around you and find the people who have walked through life with you. Tell them how much they mean to you and share your hurt with them. Let them encourage you. These people will be friends or family. Try your best to not isolate yourself because that can lead to bigger issues like depression. Even though it feels natural to pull away and isolate, it is important to fight that instinct for your own mental health.
- Practice self-reflection and self-care
Every situation you experience in life has a lesson attached to it. Self-reflection is important after any big life events, so you don’t overlook the things you’ve learned from it. My self-reflection led me to understand that I was not at fault for the betrayals that happened to me. I also learned that I missed some warning signs that might have saved me some pain and suffering. I did this self-reflection through meditation, journaling and prayer. Self-care is also important as you heal. Make sure you are not overwhelming yourself with obligations. You have just taken a big hit from someone who was supposed to be safe. Take time to heal and comfort yourself through self-care. It’s not selfish to take a breather to work on healing.
- Find a passion or goal
Don’t forget as you walk through the pain, you were put on this earth for a purpose and a reason. Once you have taken time to self-reflect then you will want to go back to setting goals and accomplishing them. Anytime you set a goal and accomplish it then you will feel more secure, stable and it will raise your self-esteem. Goal setting is so important in helping you set your mind on things of the future and it allows you to take a break from looking at the past.
- Seek professional help
I wouldn’t be a good therapist if I didn’t mention the effects that betrayal has on attachment and trust. When we have formed an attachment with anyone, and they do something to disrupt that attachment it changes the way we view the world and people moving forward. Often trust is the biggest thing that is affected, and we may make future relationships pay for the mistakes of others. We may build walls or become extremely guarded.
It is important to seek professional help if we feel like the betrayal is affecting our ability to have healthy relationships with others moving forward. Be mindful of how it affects your ability to attach to people and be sure to incorporate periodic “check ins” with yourself so you can recognize a bigger issue if it starts to develop. If you are needing professional counseling here is a great resource for you (www.psychologytoday.com). This website will help you find a therapist in your area, and you can even filter for your particular issue and insurance.
Closing thoughts:
I am still a work in progress. My last betrayal happened in 2019-2020 and it took me a full year of work to finally start to believe in myself again. I was like humpty dumpty. It took a community of friends and co-workers to put me back together again. I will forever be changed but I learned so much about myself through the process and I will forever be grateful for the loyal people in my life who lifted me up when I couldn’t even walk. Those people who spoke life into me and reminded me who I am and helped me re-set my path. My squad was a big part of that, and I will forever be grateful. Once you find people who are loyal and have strong character, love them and nurture that relationship because it’s worth more than you know.
