1 in 8 couples in America encounter fertility hurdles. One in eight. Chances are, you or someone you know is struggling with fertility. With such a staggering statistic, it’s sad that this is not a topic that is spoken about very often. As someone who experienced it first hand, I can tell you how soul crushingly lonely it is to live with infertility. I’ve written little social media posts on occasion on the topic or offered some encouraging words to friends that have a family member struggling with infertility, but I’ve never told my story in it’s entirety to anyone but the Scissortail Squad. So, this week, in honor of National Infertility Awareness Week, I’m sharing my story in hopes it can offer a spot of hope in such a dark and gloomy situation.
Almost a decade ago, my husband and I decided to start trying for our first baby. We did the “not trying but also not stopping anything” approach for a while but as time went on, my heart yearned for a baby and we started actually “trying”. Things like attempting to track ovulation, cutting out alcohol, and I’m sure tons of other old wives tales I read online. Months went by and I just kept seeing negative pregnancy tests. Then one day, there it was. Our positive. Suddenly all the waiting didn’t matter and life went on. Besides, plenty of other people need a few months (it was roughly 8 for us) so I didn’t think another thing of it.
Fast forward about 3 years and we decided it was time for baby number two. As before, I took negative test after negative test. My husband and I decided that if I still wasn’t pregnant after a year of trying, we would go see my OB. Month after month went by and still no positive. The sight of a negative test became a trigger for me and I stopped taking them all together because I couldn’t stand the sight of another one.
I remember being at a jewelry party with some friends and somehow this topic came up. I mentioned that we had been trying and I was getting worried and a lady at the party who just happened to share the same OB as me mentioned that she had gone through the same thing. She went to that doctor. We’ll call him Dr G. He just gave her a pill to stimulate ovulation and bam she was pregnant. I was overjoyed at this news! One pill and her problem was solved. I convinced myself that that’s all I needed as well.
So there we were past the year mark and sitting in Dr. G’s office. He told us that either I had a problem, my husband had a problem, or we both did. If just one party has a problem, it’s usually a pretty easy fix. If both are dealing with fertility issues however, our chances drop dramatically for ever being about to conceive. He ran tests on both of us and said to come back in a few weeks for the results. I was convinced this was just a me problem and all I needed was that pill, so I wasn’t the least bit concerned.
The time came for me to go and find out all the test results. My husband was at work so I went by myself. I knew it was just me and all I needed was a pill so why have my husband miss work? I went in to the room and waited. A nurse came in holding my chart and said: “You’ve had a child before with no fertility treatments?” I told her yes and her eyes got wide. She whispered “wow” and left the room. It was in that moment that I knew a pill wouldn’t fix our problem. My stomach dropped. My mind was racing.
As I waited, I heard Dr. G in the room next door doing a gender scan. “It’s a boy!” he said and the parents cheered. I listened and cried knowing that I may never get that experience again. A few minutes later the doctor came in. He informed me that (and I quote) “You have the eggs of a pre-menopausal woman.” He went on to say my hormones were all off ,meaning I probably didn’t ovulate very often. Then he explained that my husband’s sperm failed in all 3 areas that they test. So basically it’s about as bad as it can get. He said he never likes to say never but, we had a less than one percent chance of conceiving even with treatments.
Before I had a chance to process, he said: “If we’re going to do something we need to act now.” He told me he was scheduling me for an IUI the following week. I sat there wide eyed and told him that my husband and I probably couldn’t afford it. I had not even began to look into fertility treatments but I knew they cost a pretty penny. The doctor told me not to worry and that he would only charge us for the catheter and nothing else. Frozen in complete shock I said “ok” and he let a nurse explain the procedure to me.
An IUI is artificial insemination. So basically my husband had to give a sample. Then the sample is examined and they only take the very best sperm to use for the procedure. I had to leave the doctor’s office and pick up an injection that would start ovulation along with some other oral medications.
As I left the office a woman with her brand new baby came in and was showing the baby off to everyone. I made eye contact with her, burst into tears and ran to my car. I called my husband, my mom, and then Heather. Why Heather? Well, she is my dear friend but also a therapist and I was so overcome with emotion that I literally didn’t know how to function. I knew she could help. And she did.
My husband drove straight to the parking lot of the doctor’s office and sat with me while I explained the whole thing. We went to the pharmacy and picked up all the meds. I didn’t feel like I could give myself a shot after all that and my husband didn’t think he could do it either so we drove to see my sister in law who is a nurse and she did it for us. My husband went to pick up his sample a few days later and the tech told him it was REALLY good. The doctor did an ultrasound to make sure I was ovulating and told me I had one perfect and beautiful egg.
The procedure was strange. It was super quick. We were probably back there less than 15 minutes. Then came the dreaded two week wait. That’s how long you wait before you can test. Here’s the hard part. All those drugs I was on came with side effects. All of which are also early signs of pregnancy. So there I was, not even able to fully process what had happened just a week ago, feeling full on pregnant, and also feeling like this was my one shot. My husband and I couldn’t afford multiple treatments and I doubt the doctor was looking to continue to work for free.
That two weeks was the worst two weeks of my life. I cried myself to sleep every night in the fetal position begging God to make this work. I spent my days as a zombie just trying to get through work, take care of my 3 year old and make it one day closer to the day I could test. Then finally the day came. I had made it my two weeks. I could finally test.
Negative.
It was in that moment that I knew. I would not have another biological child. My husband and I both decided that we just couldn’t do that again. We had our miracle baby. That would have to be enough. It was after that that I knew I needed some help. I needed to find other women that were in my position. As amazing as my family and friends were, they just didn’t know what to say. “God has a plan” wasn’t what I needed to hear at that time. So, I got online and started looking for support groups in my area and let me tell you, there weren’t many…..Luckily I persisted and finally found one that seemed promising. I decided to step out of my comfort zone and go to a meeting.
When I arrived, I discovered that one of the founders of the group was an old childhood friend! This made me feel a lot more comfortable and I settled in. The meeting ended up having probably 20 different women, maybe more. It was basically an open forum. One of the founders told her story and it felt similar to mine. Other women started sharing and they had all experienced the same devastation I had. Hearing their stories made me feel less alone. It’s so hard to explain how infertility feels to those who haven’t experienced it first hand. Infertility is like mourning the loss of a life that exists in your heart, mind, and soul. It’s difficult for other people to mourn the loss of something so intangible.
Time went by and I continued going to meetings. I was able to make it through the day in a slightly healthier manner. My husband and I decided our next best option was to adopt. We looked into all the options. The financial aspect was scary but we made plans to do fundraisers and jumped in. We took classes at a local agency before applying. That was a scary process for a whole different post. Adoptive parents, you are warriors.
We finished our classes and were in the process of filling out our application and planning my little one’s 4th birthday party. I remember the day of the party telling my husband that I was late. I knew it was probably nothing to get my hopes up about but, I just felt different. We had my daughter’s party, put her to bed and I decided to take a test. My husband needed to run to the store and I took the test while he was out. In the back of my mind, I knew it would be negative and I thought having him out of the house for a few minutes would allow me to have my meltdown and hopefully pull myself together at least a little before he got home. So, I took the test.
Positive.
I could not believe my eyes. Something I never thought I’d ever see again. And my husband wasn’t home! I remember literally standing by the front door holding the test and counting the seconds until he would be home. We had a beautiful baby girl and our family was complete. I stopped going to the support group. There is something about coming out the other side with my second miracle baby that still to this day makes me feel a little guilty. Why me and not them? But thankfully I am seeing more and more women rejoicing in their miracles every day.
If you are in the middle of infertility let me start by saying I’m so sorry. I know your hurt, your anger, your absolute desperation. I know the ache you feel every day. If there is any advice I can give it would be to find a support group and meet them in person or at least on zoom. Connecting with other women in the same situation was vital to my mental health during that time. Facebook groups and online chats just aren’t the same. Connecting and forming friendships with other women sharing the same struggle is so different from reading posts online. Second, pray and worship. As much as I hated to hear it at the time, it is true that God has a plan. Pray through the pain, worship him in the storm. Rejoice and praise him when your miracle arrives because sister, it is coming.
If you need help finding a group or need someone to talk to, please reach out to me on social media. I have a passion for making sure no woman goes through this alone and you are included in that. Please reach out. And know that you are in my prayers, Yes you. I pray for you every day. Keep going dear friend. Your miracle is coming.
