Let’s Talk About Sex
By: Heather
Sex…say it with me…sex. Good job! Saying the word is half the battle. Admitting sex is a thing is the first step. Sex is a tough topic for some parents. Think back on how you learned about sex. Did you learn it from parents, friends, books, magazines or the internet? Was it awkward? Did you get all your questions answered? Some of us had a great experience and others were left confused and with many more questions. Sex is a part of life and it’s important to teach children the correct information about sex. A couple of things you should know about sex: 1. It’s natural. 2. It’s normal. 3. Everyone does it at some point. (Unless a person is celibate). 4. It’s how the human race survives. Don’t be scared, don’t be timid. You’ve got this. Here are a couple of tips:
The Sex talk:
Oh, the infamous sex talk…the one every parent dreads and the one kids dread even more. The sex talk has been made fun of in movies and it’s something some of us look back on and cringe. It doesn’t have to be this way. I’m going to blow your mind when I say, “Throw the “sex talk” out the window”. You heard me, get rid of it. Now, re-wire your brain and think about sex as a conversation that you have whenever it comes up. It’s a conversation that starts early and continues throughout life.
When your child asks you a question about their body or about something they heard at school you simply ANSWER THE QUESTION. When your child asks you, “where do babies come from?” you answer the question. You do not have to elaborate or go into a lot of detail but please answer their questions. If you do not answer their question then they will find the answer somewhere else. Do you really want another kid to teach them about sex or even worse, the internet? I promise, they will get incorrect information and you will spend more time trying to undo what was told to them then if you had just answered their questions to begin with.
You set the tone for how your children grow up viewing sex. Sex is not scary, it’s not shameful and it’s not something to giggle about. Sex is good, powerful, given by God and if used correctly can bond two people together and enrich their relationship. But I understand that not everyone has this experience with sex so that leads me into my next point.
Check Your Trauma At The Door:
Sometimes in life, sex does not work out the way it was it was meant to be. Some people come from a childhood of abuse where they were hurt sexually from a young age. This trauma can cause a person to struggle with anything related to sex. Some have been raped and again have been traumatized and their power has been taken away from them, if they have not properly worked through it. This can lead to an unhealthy relationship with sex and can skew their view of what healthy sex can look like. Others have physical medical issues that leads them to have pain when having sex and it makes it difficult to enjoy sex.
None of these things are the persons fault but we must find a way to separate that from what we tell our kids. Try hard to check that trauma at the door and not allow it to be a part of your conversation with your children regarding sex.
Yes, we teach them to keep themselves safe and that their body is their own. We teach them no one touches them in the places they cover with their swim suits. Those parts of the body are private. We teach them how to say no, even to an adult. But we also teach them (without bias) what sex was intended to be. This is different for every family depending on your values and beliefs. But I think we can all agree that sex is a healthy part of adult life and should be presented that way.
Be Authentic:
Be who you are. If something makes you uncomfortable to talk about – be honest about that. Kids respect honesty! It doesn’t mean you get a free pass to skip that topic but you can acknowledge how you feel about talking about it. You are human, you will have feelings and that’s ok. Take a deep breath before speaking so that you can gather your thoughts. Practice in the mirror ahead of time.
Seek advice:
If you do not have a healthy relationship with sex please seek advice from someone you trust on how to approach this topic in a healthy manner with your children. Seek advice if you do not understand certain aspects of sex or do not know the proper language to use. Not everyone knows everything about sex and it’s ok to research and ask professionals for advice. Professionals that will be helpful are your family doctor, a therapist or a trust knowledgeable friend.
Use Correct Terms For Body Parts:
I’m putting my therapist hat on for this section. Please use the correct terms when talking about sex and body parts. Pee pee, wee wee, coochie, wiener, vajayjay, etc. are some of the slang terms I’ve heard that people use to teach their kids about their private parts. This is not necessary; your kids will be better off knowing proper terms than a fun nickname. It’s important to mention that “penis,” “testicles,” “vulva” and “vagina” are not bad words. They are actually the proper terms for their private parts. Also, we want kids to know the proper terms for their bodies so they can clearly tell someone if they are being hurt or sexually abused. If your child is being sexually abused by someone you want them to be able to clearly come up to a teacher, doctor or professional and say, “Someone is touching my vagina or someone is touching my penis.” NOT “Someone is toughing my choo choo or someone is touching my flower.” That is confusing and can make it difficult for professionals to know when a child is being hurt. Take the guess work out of it. Be clear and use correct terms.
Keep It Simple:
This mean you don’t go into too much detail unless your kid is continuing to ask questions. You keep the information accurate and factual. You keep it age appropriate. Use language the child will understand and check for clarification. Ask the child if they have any other questions. Make sure they know they can always come to you if they have additional questions. Kids will hear so much at school and they need to know they can come to you for clarification if they hear something they don’t understand.
In my counseling office I often hear stories about how parents and other adults taught children from a young age that their penis or vagina are “dirty”. I’ve also heard parents say sex is dirty, shameful and should not be talked about. Then those same kids grow up and on their wedding day people are patting them on the back and telling those same kids to “have fun tonight” (meaning the wedding night). My clients are often confused as to why they do not have a good sex life or have issues with sex.
It sets everyone up for failure when kids are told sex is dirty or shameful but then on their wedding day, they are supposed to change that mindset and become a sex God or Goddess. Talking about sex in correct, accurate, simple and non-shameful terms is very important. You can still have values, morals and beliefs regarding sex but still openly talk about it and its purpose. Just because you talk about sex does not mean you are giving your kids permission to do it. You are just making sure they are educated before they make an adult decision. You would not hand your kids a loaded gun without teaching them to use it. Sex has consequences too so they need to know the good, the bad and the ugly about it.
I’d love to hear questions you have regarding this topic you can email me at [email protected] or go to our facebook or Instagram.
