Pain and Loss
October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Remembrance Day. This day is an annual day of remembrance for pregnancy loss and infant death, which includes miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS, ectopic pregnancy, and the death of a newborn. Did you know every year, about 90,000 infants die before the age of one, and at least 10% of pregnancies end in miscarriage? That means 1 in every 4 women will experience a miscarriage.
I am one of those women. I have never shared my story openly with more than a few close family members and friends. Miscarriage is often a silent loss and is silently grieved. We have come a long way but there is still work to do in bringing awareness surrounding this type of loss.
After 10 years, I feel I’m ready to share my story. This is a love story. My child was conceived in love and passed away fully loved. I know that one day I will get to meet my child face to face. What a sweet reunion that will be!
My Story
I found out I was going to be a mommy again on February 9, 2011. My son had turned 2 in November and I thought this was going to be perfect timing. I woke up and took a pregnancy test and it said, “PREGNANT”. One word that changed me for a lifetime. I had ALL the emotions and I could not wait to share the news with my husband. It was snowing so my 2-year-old and I spent our snow day making a cute onesie with a number 2 on the back to surprise my husband with the news. He was beyond excited and we cried as we thought ahead to what life would be like with a second child entering our home. We told our 2-year-old son he was going to be a big brother and he was thrilled. We called the doctor and set up our first appointment for February 22, 2011. On that day we went in and heard the baby’s sweet heart beat and I was already madly in love. I had dreams of holding my baby and rocking him/her to sleep. The doctor gave me the due date of October 15th. We started to prepare towards a life with two kids.
My heart broke in half on February 27, 2011 (7 weeks along) when I woke up and went to the bathroom and found blood. I knew at that moment I had lost my child. That is a moment frozen in time for me. I laid on my bedroom floor begging God to fix this. I bargained everything I had with God but His way is bigger than mine and He had a different plan. My husband came home from work and found me on the floor. He cried with me and called the doctor. I went in for blood work and an ultrasound and then was told by my doctor, “your uterus is empty.” That is a very clinical way to say “your baby has gone to heaven.”
I went to therapy after our miscarriage. My therapist suggested that we make a memory box of things that we had accumulated before we lost the baby. She also recommended that we write letters to our baby. So, we went to Hobby Lobby and bought a box that looks like a book. It is kept in our living room as a decoration and we are the only ones who know what’s in it. In the box are letters to our baby, cards we received from family, a DVD of when I told my husband about the baby and telling our son. It also has the onesie with the 2 on it and happy birthday letter that my husband wrote on what would have been our babies birth day. This box helps me to remember my child. My biggest fear was that my baby would be forgotten.
With therapy, prayer and support from family and friends…we grieved and started the healing process. It took many nights of tears and long talks for me to start to come to terms with it. I learned how common miscarriage is and met many women who had walked this path before me. I found strength in their stories and encouragement in their words.
At the end of a dark period there is always light. Light always wins and chases away the darkness. On February 13, 2012 we welcomed our rainbow baby into this world. My daughter was my gift from God after such a dark time in my life. She has brought joy and laughter. One of the things I love about my daughter is she always keeps the memory of the baby we lost alive. She brings the baby up often and never shy’s away from sharing about our baby. Having my daughter did not take away my pain and loss. She did not make me forget my baby or move on. No one could ever take my child’s place. She is, however, a gift from God and I know this was His plan for my life. Through the pain, through the loss, through the tears…My God was there. He never left my side. He held my hand while also holding my baby. He was my hope for the future and still is.
I started this post with saying that October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Remembrance Day. I had no idea about this day until after we lost our baby. My due date was October 15th and now each year I get to remember not only my child but all the other babies who have been lost as well.
What to do if you have a miscarriage
- Grieve
Take all the time you need. You are on no one else’s time table. Grief comes in waves. Allow yourself time to feel it and experience it. Cry when you need to, laugh when you need to and be angry when you need to. Trust the process.
- Talk to someone
Talk to a friend, a family member or a therapist. Find a support group or a friend who has walked through something similar. Having support is very important to healing.
- Commemorate the baby’s memory
Plant a tree, make a scrap book or get a memory box. Journal about your experience or write a book. Find a way to keep the memories safe so you can look back on them.
- Share your story (when you are ready)
When you are ready and only when you are ready…find a way to share your story with others. Pass on the things that helped you and help someone else who is struggling. Our experiences can help others who do not know what to do.
- Help remove the stigma. Here are some celebrities who have shared their story of loss to bring awareness. Pink, Michelle Obama, Beyoncé, Meghan Markle, Nicole Kidman, Brooke Shields, Whitney Houston and many more celebrities have come forward to help remove the stigma. But you don’t need a celebrity to lead the way. You be the hero in your story.
How can you help a friend who has lost a child?
- Listen
Sounds simple and anyone can do it. It’s true! Anyone can listen. Just be there for your friend. Sit in the mess with them. Cry with them and let them share their story. Don’t try to fix it. Don’t give advice. Just listen.
- Bring them a meal
Food heals the soul. Cook them a comfort meal so they can rest and not have to worry about feeding their families. Something as small as providing nourishment to a person can help them heal and feel supported.
- Offer to watch their other kid(s)
Babysit their kids so they can get a break. They don’t even have to leave the house…just offer to come watch their kids so they can process some emotions. Give them a night off to be with their husband or support person. It’s difficult to cry in front of your kids so it’s nice to be able to get away and grieve.
- Help them remember their child
Keep their child’s memory alive. Bring their child up from time to time. Let them know that you haven’t forgotten. A big fear is that people will forget you ever lost a baby. So, help keep the memory alive. A good way to do this is: Remember important dates. If you know their due date or the date they lost their child, text them on that date to check in and let them know you are thinking about them.
Thank you for reading my story. If you have a story surrounding this topic, I would love to hear it. You can email me at [email protected] and share your story. If you are looking for more information or support M.E.N.D. (mend.org) is the place to look.