Striving for Peace in Friendships
By, Sarah N.
What does a peaceful relationship look like between friends? The world will tell us that peace is the absence of conflict. So, is the goal to have friendships that are unmarked by hostility and strife? Is our friendship doomed if we have disagreements? Does arguing with a friend mean that we really weren’t meant to be friends in the first place?
I hope I don’t have to explain that all relationships will have times of conflict. If we spend our lives looking for a perfectly harmonious friendship, then we are setting ourselves up to be disappointed over and over again. And if our primary role in the relationship is keeping the peace, then we are going to constantly be bending to the other person’s will, just trying to make them happy at all times, most likely leaving us unhappy and unfulfilled.
Remember, Jesus said, “Blessed are the peacemakers”, not the peacekeepers (Matthew 5:9).
Making peace is proactive. Keeping peace is reactive. If our focus is making peace, we will be constantly looking for opportunities to create and foster peace. If our focus is keeping peace, we will constantly be trying to appease our counterpart, hoping our decisions don’t create strife. Although it sounds futile, it often seems easier to keep the peace. Making peace requires effort and intentionality.
To intentionally be peacemakers, we must first understand the proper definition of the word “peace.” Original Biblical audiences would have understood peace not simply as the absence of conflict, but more so as the presence of completeness, or a restoration to wholeness.
Look again at Matthew 5:9: “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called children of God.” The Son of God, who is Peace, restored us to fullness (completeness) in his Father, so that we can be called God’s children (John 1:12, Romans 8:16-17, Galatians 3:26). And this is our mission also: we are meant to point others to restoration with God, as children of God, just as Christ did. We share in his ministry of reconciliation (2 Corinthians 5:18).
So when we think of being peacemakers, we must be conscious of a required effort to make our friendships complete, or to point our friends to restoration with what makes them complete, namely Christ (Colossians 2:9-10, Phil 1:6). After all, Christ is called the Prince of Peace (Isaiah 9:6) and he came to restore us to his Father (2 Corinthians 5:18).
This ministry of peace is not easy for us, but it is something that we have to commit to. This is why in Hebrews, the author says to “strive for peace with everyone” (Hebrews 12:14). The word strive has the same connotation as the word persecute. It’s a picture of hunting peace down and harassing it relentlessly. Romans 14:19 says, “Let us pursue what makes for peace and mutual upbuilding.”
The “mutual upbuilding” mentioned above refers to the edifying, strengthening, and building up of each other’s lives through words of love and encouragement. Here are some verses that I think describe this kind of “upbuilding” very practically for us: 2 Corinthians 13:11, Ephesians 4:1-6, Colossians 3:12-17, 2 Timothy 2:22-26, James 1:19, James 3:13-18,
If we faithfully act in these ways, are our friends then guaranteed to run to Jesus and fall into blissful unity of spirit? Not necessarily. We have to remember that it is not our fault if our friends choose division when presented with the peace of Christ. Our responsibility is to stand for righteousness no matter what. Jesus says to expect others to hate us just as they hated him (John 15:19-20). In fact, the very next verse following “Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God” is “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven” (Matthew 5:10). The kingdom of heaven is the inheritance of those who are counted as children of God. Children of God will be persecuted for righteousness’ sake. But Paul said in Romans 12:18, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” This means we make sure that as far as it depends on us, we do our very best to stand for righteousness in our relationships.
We must never compromise the truth in order to avoid conflict. James 3:17 says, “The wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable…” First pure, then peaceable. Consider the verse preceding “blessed are the peacemakers…” Matthew 5:8 says, “blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God.” Purity before peace. After all, Christ reconciled us to God so that we could experience the peace of God, not the peace of the world. James 4:4 says that to be friends with the world means to be enemies with God.
As we strive for peace in our friendships, let us remember the One who is Peace, and that bringing peace to our relationships means bringing Jesus to our relationships. As we point our friends (and ourselves) heavenward, our earthly problems become less divisive and we are able to grow in love and unity.
But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have been brought near by the blood of Christ. For he himself is our peace who has made us both one and has broken down in his flesh the dividing wall of hostility by abolishing the law of commandments expressed in ordinances, that he might create in himself one new man in place of the two, so making peace, and might reconcile us both to God in one body through the cross, thereby killing the hostility. And he came and preached peace to you who were far off and peace to those who were near. For through him we both have access in one Spirit to the Father. So then you are no longer strangers and aliens but you are fellow citizens with the saints and members of the household of God, built on the foundation of the apostles and prophets, Christ Jesus himself being the cornerstone, in whom the whole structure, being joined together, grows into a holy temple in the Lord. In him you also are being built together into a dwelling place for God by the Spirit. Ephesians 2:13-22
