The Struggle is Real – Long-distance friendship
10 hours 42 minutes
753 miles
4 states
Different time zones
That’s what separates me from my squad. And it has for the past 8 years!!!!
It goes without saying that being away from your friends is hard. Seeing pictures or getting videos of them hanging out and enjoying each others’ company creates this struggle inside me between being happy for them and feeling sad because I can’t be there. Although zoom and other technology allows you to see what is happening at the exact moment it is happening, you still aren’t there in the moment. It’s not the same. And that just plain stinks!
I’ve juggled the following emotions over the years and found that while they never fully go away, if I reframe the way I think about them, it feels a little easier.
FOMO (Fear of missing out)
FOMO is real and it usually looks like disappointment.
Being 11 hours away from your tribe means that you can’t be there for every girls night or special event. It’s hard to only be able to watch the moments you so want to share in person. While technology has made it easier to see these moments, they come with a bit of FOMO. There’s a small fear that I will miss “that” important conversation, that I won’t be a part of “that” joke or the fact that while being able to see your friends’ faces doesn’t even come close to seeing them in person or getting that hug you’ve been longing for.
Guilt
Guilt is an emotion that will continue to hurt you if you don’t let it go.
We all have moments of sadness, anger or happiness that come without warning. You get some unwanted medical results, you get in a car accident, you get fired, you get that promotion or your kid scores the game-winning shot. These are all moments that you want your squad around you to heal the hurt, celebrate the joys and just work through life’s curve balls. There is always a feeling of guilt in my stomach that I wasn’t there for those moments. Those moments that I only hear about or learn about after they happen upset me that I can’t drive 20 minutes down the road and meet up with my squad.
Jealousy
Jealousy is a bitter pill that can do more harm than good to your friendships.
Of course, there is jealousy that the rest of my squad can plan a girls day full of pedicures, lunches, coffees, shopping, dinner dates and craft nights. This is where I can really start to get upset. My heart hurts knowing I’m not there to share in those moments. I start to think how unfair that they get to have all the fun and those jealous thoughts creep in. You can’t virtually experience the joy that comes from sitting right next to your besties and sharing life together.
If I let jealousy rule my emotions, I can become upset with those closest to me – my husband and daughters. I can start to resent whatever reasons I think of that have separated me from my squad and all the fun they are having. This may be one of the most important lessons I’ve struggled through over the years.
Forgetfulness
Feeling forgotten can lead to sadness.
What happens when you don’t see someone or something for a while, you forget about it. There are fears that my friends will forget about me since I am not physically there. I start to wonder if they will remember my favorite drink or the memories we made together planning all those baby showers and birthday parties. We use Marco Polo multiple times a day (I mean, it’s really kinda embarrassing the amount of messages we can send back and forth in a day), but it helps me fight the fear of forgetfulness.
So, how do I deal with those emotions when I start to feel them rising up inside of me when looking at a picture of my friends out for coffee or zooming me while they are all together for a candle-making night?
I have to remind myself that God places me where He needs me for the time He needs me. That might sound easy to write or think, but to actually live it out takes practice and is just downright hard. It means I am choosing to take those thoughts and fears captive and give them over to God. It takes me being open and honest with myself as to how I am feeling. It gives me freedom to allow myself to feel those emotions. And then, I can make a choice to be happy for them and joyful that I get to see them, even if it is through a digital lens. I remind myself to be thankful that they remembered to call me and they took the time to set up a phone or computer so I could be a part of it from afar.
This is one of the keys to maintaining our long-distance friendship – intentional action on all of our parts and a willingness to sacrifice our time. It’s taking time to plan for what digital platform can be used to include me, it’s remembering that I am zooming with my friends at 9pm (my time). In order to cherish the bond that we have, we all have to work at keeping it alive by intentionally creating a space for me to be “present.”
What have you found to be helpful in keeping in touch with your friends from afar? What are you doing to keep the bond of your friendship alive? I would love to hear what you do to keep the worries away and the friendship growing.
