When Envy Invades Friendships
By, Sarah N.
Nothing can ruin a good friendship quite like envy. It’s a “secret” sin that quietly creeps in and takes root in our hearts before growing into a weed of bitterness. We can become so accustomed to it that we find it easy to justify its presence and discount its power.
The Green Eyed Monster
Envy can be hard to identify in our lives. I would not have considered myself to be an envious person until recently when I began thinking about this topic and asking God to point out hidden roots of envy in my heart. I think I had an extremely limited view of what envy looked like. I only thought of it as an all-consuming “green eyed monster” eating up everything that sparkled in its sight, leaving none for others to enjoy. However, I discovered that envy is seldom obvious, but always distracting, deceptive, and destructive.
It shows up when I’m scrolling social media; “They went on another beach vacation? Must be nice [insert eye roll].” “Why is her baby sleeping through the night already?” “How can she have such a nice home, well-dressed kids, healthy marriage, awesome job, AND find time to herself?” “She lost how much weight!?”
It can capture my thoughts during conversations; “She’s so funny… Why can’t I be that funny?” “She is probably the smartest person I know…If only I had the time to study that she must have.” “Everybody likes her…There must be something wrong with me.”
Envy keeps me from truly celebrating the good things that my friends receive. I may want to rejoice when they rejoice but the little voice saying, “why not me?” lurks under the surface and tugs at my ego.
What’s so wrong with these “little” envious thoughts though? Am I hurting anybody if I’m not actively going out and trying to steal someone’s clean home and sense of humor?
The Problem with Envy
The problem with envy is not the action that it could provoke (though, that is a problem in and of itself). The problem is the position of my heart that it reveals. Envy is just another form of discontentment. And while some discontentment may be righteous (ie. desiring to know God more, etc.), this kind of discontentment reveals my disbelief in God’s goodness. I am essentially saying, “If God was truly good, He would give me X too.” “If God really cared about me, He would know how important Y is to me.” “If God loved me, he would supply Z.”
The more I doubt God’s goodness, the more I believe that I know what’s best for me. I want control of my life because I think that God is somehow holding out on me. Is this not what happened when sin first entered the Garden of Eden? Eve saw the fruit, desired the fruit because it could make her like God, and took the fruit. The woman who previously knew nothing but God’s goodness, suddenly doubted His provision. She and her husband were distracted from what they knew to be true by lies that told them they could be gods of their own lives. But the outcome was not the power and satisfaction they imagined, but nakedness, shame, and destruction of their once perfect relationship with God.
These events reveal that envy is not merely a problem between myself and other people. There were no other people in the garden. Envy is a problem between myself and God. My envy says that I don’t believe that His sovereignty is good; that I don’t live as if His love is enough.
After Eden
When we yearn for better things today, after Eden, it’s not really because we think our friends have better things. It is because our spirit longs to return to Eden and to that perfectly fulfilling life of contentment. Our yearnings for something “better” and our dissatisfaction with the world around us tell us that we are meant for something greater. And God has promised us something greater. He has promised not simply a return to Eden, but something even better than Eden, a new Heaven and new Earth.
Our earthly desires are just shadows of our heavenly destination. Just consider our infatuation with beauty and pursuit of lasting youth. We were created to be eternal beings; it just doesn’t happen on this side of heaven. Think of our lust for the perfect spouse, whether it be the most beautiful person or the most fulfilling relationship. In heaven, we will see His beauty face to face and be forever satisfied by the One who created us and knows us completely. My desire for a designer home? Heaven’s splendor. More rest and “me time”? Eternal rest and eternal time to worship the one who made me. Good health? No more pain or sickness in heaven. Acceptance from my peers? Embraced by my Father. This list could go on and on because God is truly the only thing that can satisfy our cravings. Only He offers true contentment.
Look to God
So what is the antidote to envy? What should I do when I find myself wanting more from this world? I must look to God, who will supply my every need according to His riches in glory in Christ Jesus (Philippians 4:19). James says that every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father. It also says that jealousy and selfish ambition are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic (ouch) and that disorder and every vile practice stems from them! But the mark of wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits, impartial, and sincere. These attributes are what it looks like to be content with what God has given (which, by the way, He has given us EVERYTHING pertaining to life and godliness so that we may partake of his very nature, escaping the corruption of the world by lust [2 Peter 1:3-4]). The Psalmist Asaph writes in Psalm 73:25-26, “…There is nothing on earth that I desire besides you… God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.”
Is the desire of my heart the things of this world? Or have I set my desire on the Lord?
When my friends experience good things, I will rejoice in the sovereign goodness of our Lord, knowing that even if He chooses in his sovereignty to never give me the same, He is still good. My Treasure is in heaven and He sits at the right hand of the Father.
